


whatever words I say

by jdjupiter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, I think this counts as angst/hurt/comfort?, M/M, fairly tooth-rotting I'm ngl, magical au, zero smut just a heads up I'm too scared to write it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:42:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27179419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdjupiter/pseuds/jdjupiter
Summary: “Sorry,” Remus starts, about to deliver the terrible news. “I understand it would be ‘cool’ to start shagging a werewolf, but I’m not going to be some sort of...weird rebellion against your upbringing.”“Moony,” Sirius says, and Remus can’t pretend like he doesn’t see the hurt in his eyes. “That’s not what this is at all."He’s overcome with emotion now, and he’d rather try his luck with the Giant Squid than cry in front of Sirius, so he moves and speaks fast. “Sorry, I just have to...just have to figure some things out-”“Rem, wait,” Sirius calls out, and Remus stops. “Please don’t go. Please stay...and talk to me.”There’s no way, he thinks. There’s no way that after years of loneliness and self-loathing that he’ll actually be able to get what he wants, so something will go wrong if it hasn’t already, so he has to get as far away from Sirius as he possibly can, and he almost turns and runs...but there’s something new that’s rising within him. It might even be hope.Alternatively, Remus does the hard work of letting himself be vulnerable.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 81





	1. like I am whole again

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the 80's punk/post-punk/synthwave/new wave I'm sure they all listened to, particularly the Cure. All titles from this (upcoming???) series come from Lovesong. 
> 
> This AU is *softer* in the following ways:  
> \- Death Eaters are elitist bigoted assholes but not actual Nazis (anymore?)  
> \- Peter Pettigrew just doesn’t exist lol and the fourth Marauder is Lily  
> \- Yes this is the 80’s but being LGBT is a non-issue.  
> \- I did some Googling about Wizarding World stuff and I’m pretty sure some things are still incorrect but hoping you wonderful ladies, theydies and gays will just roll with it

Remus had never been to a real “protest” before, but he was pretty sure this wasn’t exactly it. Over the years, Lily had introduced them to many interesting bits and pieces from Muggle culture, and protests, Remus had to admit, were one of his favorites. This one didn’t quite look like the American ones he’d seen in photos: not as many sunglasses and floral print, but Sirius had managed to manufacture a joint from Merlin knows where. The four of them were currently stood outside the Ministry of Magic and took turns passing it: their best girl, Head Girl Lily Potter, who at this point had been tragically corrupted by James and Sirius, had perfected a charm to make the marijuana seem like nothing more than a Muggle cigarette. With her other hand, Lily half-holds up a sign that says “MINISTRY OF BIGOTRY”. Remus knew how excited she was about the protest, so he watched with sadness as the wind blew just enough to make the sign fold in on itself.

As the sun started to set, the foursome, now low energy due to the failure of their endeavor, were just about to pack things up and go home when seemingly out of nowhere and all of a sudden, dozens of their classmates and their housemates showed up. Within less than an hour, the previously empty block in front of the Ministry of Magic became full of people, wizards and non-wizards alike. Remus looked around at the ever-growing crowd and marveled at its diversity. He saw goblins, free-elves, a few half-giants, and even a centaur. Popular, outgoing Lily had the bright idea that they should split up, challenge themselves, and go speak to people they otherwise would never be able to speak to. This of course was a wonderful plan, but only for the three extroverts that made up Remus’ friend group. Remus, however, was not about to be the one to ruin the fun, so he nodded and went along his merry way.

After a quick bit of hiding around a more secluded corner, and an internal rallying speech given by a voice that felt strangely like Sirius’, Remus marches, with purpose, up to the group that’s closest to him. A group of goblins, he soon discovers. At that moment, Remus realizes he’d never even seen a goblin their age, let alone spoken to one. The only ones he’d ever seen were fully grown adults at Gringotts. 

“H-Hello,” he stammers, clearly not loudly enough, as the noise of the crowd around them overwhelms the sound of his voice. “Hi,” he repeats, raising his voice this time. “Hi, I’m- I’m Remus.”

They look at him with quizzical wonder, and just as Remus is about to curse himself for letting his friends talk him into _talking_ to people, one of the goblins speaks up. “Remus,” she smiles, and he’s grateful. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Hadrok. Forgive my family’s...reaction, we’re just...not used to such friendliness from wizards.”

If only you knew, Remus thinks to himself, how many experiences we’ve shared.

“Of course,” he nods. “I understand.”

“I’m actually surprised to see so many wizards at this demonstration,” Another goblin says, presumably Hadrok’s brother. “Wizards don’t usually concern themselves with anything outside of their own world.”

“That’s generally true,” Remus agrees, before dipping his toe in something he might regret later. “But I’m, actually-”

They all stop in the same abrupt way Remus did, and turn their heads at the exact same angle to look at him. After no more than a few seconds, he self-corrects. “I’m actually...related to a werewolf,” he says, sprinkling in detail to give the lie more flavor. “When we were younger...my brother got bitten by a werewolf. He...couldn’t be here today, but...the rights of Non-Wizard Magical Beings are very important to me.”

Hadrok, who Remus could already tell has a kind heart, gives him a sympathetic grin. Her brothers are not impressed.

“Right,” her brother continues, “Just like I said. You wouldn’t really have cared if it didn’t affect you personally.”

“Parlook,” Hadrok chides, and before Remus finds himself responsible for an intra-family argument, he jumps in. “No, he’s right. That’s...true. I never thought of it that way.”

The admission seems to earn Remus some respect amongst the goblins, who Remus knew, to be sure, had never interacted with a wizard who believed in self-awareness. He feels a moment of guilt for lying, but it’s still entirely too dangerous to openly admit to being a werewolf, and he doesn’t want to scare them off. The original iciness he encountered melted away after that, and Remus found himself learning more about goblins in what couldn’t have been more than a half hour than he ever had during seven years of formal Wizarding education. That alone might be the true heart of the problem, he thinks to himself. After an incredibly fruitful conversation, he says goodbye to his newfound goblin friends, and goes on a search to find his wizard ones. As the evening progressed into the night, the protest had transformed into a party of sorts, and people were buzzing and milling about the square in front of the Ministry. Remus suddenly spots Sirius leaning against a wall by himself and approaches him, ready to hear all about his evening, and tell Sirius about his in exchange.

“Moony,” Sirius greets, with a smile that makes Remus want to jump into the Black Lake. Every time Sirius smiled at Remus, it just made the whole “in love with my completely gorgeous and wildly unattainable best friend” thing go from bad to worse. “I was looking for you.”

“Well, here I am,” Remus responds, with his own grin. “Where are James and Lily?”

“They went to get us butterbeers a while ago, but they might have gone off to...well, ‘do their own thing’, as they say.”

Remus, consistently amused by the American muggle sayings Sirius employed, nods in understanding.

“Reckon it’s just you and me for now,” Sirius says, and Remus suddenly feels a pang of sadness for his friend. They all loved Lily, especially after the initial waves of jealousy ebbed, but Remus knew Sirius missed James. A wonderful idea came to him. “No it’s not,” Remus says, and Sirius looks confused. “At least, it won’t be for long.”

Sirius’ eyebrows knit together. “What do you mean?”

“Why don’t we go over there,” Remus proposes, pointing to a group of girls he believed were a mixture of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, “and find you a girl?”

Sirius’ face quickly went through emotions Remus didn’t understand, but he assumed it was mostly confusion. “You...want to find me a girl?”

Remus knew he’d lost his partner-in-crime when James got a girlfriend, but he honestly felt like Sirius didn’t have to look _this_ disappointed that Remus would be a lad this time.

“Really, it’s alright Remus, we can just stay here and hang out, and I actually...I actually wanted to talk to you about something before James and Lily get back-”

“Don’t worry,” Remus speaks, over Sirius. He was perfectly aware of how many times Sirius (and James and Lily for that matter) sat things out because of his introversion and condition, but he felt energized and inspired enough to put all that to the side. “I know you all love your shy, bookish friend with his furry little problem, but don’t worry about that. I’ll be your ‘wing-man’ tonight, and we’re going to find you someone so fit James will regret the day he ever broke up with you for Lily,” Remus jokes, and he _is_ joking, he is _absolutely_ joking, but the comment seems to strike a severe nerve with Sirius.

He can’t literally hear it, but Remus feels something snap. It’s unsettling how quickly the atmosphere between them changes.

“Just,” Sirius starts, already backing away, “Just never mind, mate, I’m going to head back to school.”

“Pads, wait,” Remus calls out, but it’s too late. Sirius has already turned the corner and apparated.

With butterbeers for all in tow, the lovebirds arrive only a few moments later ( _too_ late, in Remus’ opinion) and inquire as to the location of their friend.

“He just...left,” Remus says, still a bit shell-shocked.

James and Lily look at each other very seriously, then look back at Remus even more seriously. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Remus answers. “He got in a strop just now, it was really rather odd.”

“What did he say? What did you say?”

Remus lets out a long, put-upon sigh. “I made a joke about you ‘breaking up with him’ to start dating Lily, but I’ve made that joke a million times! We all have, so I don’t know why he’d be upset about that.”

The couple stare at each other once more, and this time Lily speaks. “What else did you say?”

“I told him we should go chat up some girls,” Remus says, quickly and strangely feeling the need to defend himself from the looks he’s getting. “Because I wanted him to have fun!”

“You told Sirius you wanted to go chat up girls,” James starts. “To his face,” Lily finishes.

“Not me of course, but that I’d help _him_ chat up girls.”

“Oh no,” Lily shakes her head solemnly. “It’s worse than I thought.”

James gives Remus a hard, long, considering look, and it seems as though he wants to say a thousand things but can only choose one, and do so very carefully. “Remus...Sirius does _not_ want your help to find a girl.”

“Well alright, I don’t know why this all has to be so strange and dramatic. He could have just told me himself he didn’t want my help.”

Lily sips her butterbeer and shakes her head again. “Remus, for someone so smart you really are so, _so_ thick sometimes.”

His confusion was now growing alongside newfound anger and frustration. “What in the world are you two going on about?”

“Alright Moony,” James says calmly, “Why don’t you go find him, and ask him why he got so upset when you offered to help him find a girl, and then see what he says?"

“Yes, good idea,” Remus agrees. “I’d much rather get to the bottom of this silly affair sooner rather than later.”

Now, where would he be? Remus thought back to the other times Sirius had found himself in a mood: the beech tree near the lake after a particularly ugly fight with Regulus, the astronomy tower when he needed space from James and Lily, the Room of Requirement when he needed extreme isolation after having to speak to his mother. None of the situations seemed to apply. He decides not to overthink it and goes straight to the source. After a short, but non insignificant amount of pacing, he knocks on the door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me,” Remus responds.

There’s silence, but also a muffled, shuffling sort of sound like Sirius is moving things around or putting something away. “Come in.”

“Right,” Remus starts, choosing to do away with small talk to get to the heart of the matter. “Why are you cross with me?”

“I’m not cross with you,” Sirius says, but it comes out too quickly to be the truth.

“You clearly are.”

“Rem, just drop it. I’ll get over it by tomorrow morning.”

So there _is_ something to get over, Remus notes. He’s just been told to drop the subject and they both must know by now he won’t, but he allows the silence and space to breathe a bit before he continues. He closes the door behind him. From where he’s standing at the doorway, he can see the corner of a photo stick out from underneath Sirius’ pillow, though he can’t make out which one it is. It must have been what he was looking at before Remus came in, he thinks. It must have been what he was shuffling so quickly to hide.

“We’re supposed to be mates,” Remus nearly whines, exasperated. “Best mates. You can tell me why you’re angry with me.”

“I’m not angry with you,” Sirius responds, and he sounds exasperated, but at least this time it rings true. “I just. I just have a massive, embarrassing crush on someone, and they don’t feel the same way, so I’m just. In a mood, I guess.”

At this, Remus has to fight back a laugh...the thought of it was ludicrous. Sirius had plenty of flaws of course, they all did, but...Sirius was just so...smart and funny and wild and _fit_. Remus truly couldn’t picture someone having Sirius as a real, genuine option, and then saying no. “If she can’t see what’s in front of her, she’s an idiot,” he practically spits, insulted enough for the both of them.

“ _He_ ,” Sirius corrects. “He…can’t see what’s in front of him, apparently.”

“Oh, well, right then,” Remus responds, as though his entire world hasn’t shifted at the revelation that Sirius isn’t straight. “Then, he.”

He’s not sure if he’s imagining it, but there’s...a new tenderness that blushes and colors the scene. Sirius’ admission was casual, but Remus could hear something behind it. Uncertainty, shakiness, self-doubt...which of these, if any, he wasn’t sure. What he did know for sure was that they were in a moment, and he could ruin it very easily by over or under-reacting. Quietly, he takes a few steps from the doorway and sits on the chair closest to Sirius’ bed. Sirius is sat on his bed, looking down at his hands, not making eye contact. Remus doesn’t think he’s ever seen him this shy.

He decides upon a follow-up question to better gauge the situation. “Is...is that why you didn’t want to chat up any girls?”

“I still like girls too, but...there’s this bloke I really like.”

He marvels at his own ability to shove all his feelings behind his heart and jump into the role of supportive, solution-oriented friend. “Well, who is he? We’ll just…I don’t know, form a plan of attack like we did with Lily, and he’ll be in love with you in no time at all.”

“Oh, Moony,” Sirius responds, and Remus can understand being heartbroken but Sirius sounds _exhausted_. “I’m tired. I’m just going to go to bed.”

He has a quick argument with himself on whether or not to leave Sirius alone, but bugger all, he thinks, because they were having a moment, and they’re still having a bloody moment, and Remus isn’t going to let up that easily. “Wait,” he implores. “Why won’t you tell me? Next to James, I’m your best mate. I know you’re closer to him than me, but-”

“It’s you,” Sirius cuts off, and _now_ he’s making eye contact.

The two of them do nothing but stare at each other and blink for what seems like an eternity. Remus, absolutely and beyond a shadow of a doubt, must have heard his friend incorrectly, so he asks a critical question. “What?”

“It’s you,” Sirius repeats, still not making any sense. “You’re the bloke I fancy. You’re the bloke I’ve fancied for years. I’ve probably just completely turned everything to shite and ruined all our friendships but there it is. The truth,” he shrugs, the _bastard_.

Another silence stretches out in front of them, lazy and unhurried. The moments are ticking by slowly but Remus’ brain is running a million miles a minute. After a disbelieving chuckle, he chokes out the most coherent thing he can put together. “You have _got_ to stop taking the piss all the time.”

“I solemnly swear,” Sirius says, holding up two fingers and having the nerve, the sheer audacity to grin at Remus, like he didn’t just flip everything upside down.

“Is this some sort of…elaborate, lucid dream?”

“I hope not,” he retorts. “If this were a dream, I’d want us to be…playing Quidditch while riding dragons or something.”

“A classic Sirius Black combination of recklessness and athleticism,” Remus quips, and things are normal again, but only for a second.

The moment he thought they were having before is nothing compared to what’s beginning to buzz and crackle in the air between them. The room is still unbearably quiet, but Remus is certain if he could hear their minds and hearts working at full volume, they’d be able to hear the whirring from across the castle. Sirius is looking at him, _really_ looking at him, with a softness Remus can barely stand. “Come here,” he whispers.

Remus does as he’s told, takes a few steps, and sits down next to him. Sirius takes his hand, runs his thumb over Remus’, and unlocks a moment both of them had been too afraid to open. Sirius tilts his head forward first but Remus meets him halfway, and kisses him with everything he has. Remus kisses him with all the pent up and pushed down and locked away emotion that’s been growing and twining around his ribcage, finally able to open and bloom now that it has an outlet. Remus kisses him with the kind of longing that builds and cements upon itself for years and Sirius, lovely, infuriating Sirius, kisses back.

Sirius’ hands are now under his shirt and rucking it up, and while Remus’ senses are very much on board and extremely on fire, there’s a small voice in the back of his head that brings everything to a screeching halt. “Stop,” he says, even though he doesn’t have the faintest idea why.

Sirius removes his hands immediately, and scoots further up the bed away from Remus. “Sorry, I-”

“No, no, I’m sorry,” Remus says, because he's ruining it, and he doesn't know why he's ruining it, but he can’t bear the idea of Sirius blaming himself. “It’s not you, I’m. I was...That was really good.”

“You can keep your shirt on if you want,” Sirius offers, “Or, we don’t have to do anything else. I want you to be comfortable.”

“No,” Remus says, because he has to save this, quickly. Poor Sirius is only getting more and more confused. “I want to keep going, there’s just. There’s a massive scar.”

On some level, one could argue that it was a silly thing to point out because at this stage, Sirius has seen him in his scariest, hairiest form, but this was...different. He’d seen the _wolf_ completely naked, but not Remus.

“You don’t have to show it to me,” Sirius says, voice low. “But you don’t have to hide it from me, either.”

The words give Remus enough courage to lift his shirt up enough for Sirius to see it. “It’s hideous.”

“It’s punk,” Sirius shrugs, in his effortless way. “I think it’s fucking punk, and I think you’re lovely.”

This time it’s Remus who moves forward and kisses him, more intensely than before. They navigate around each other and end up twisted together on Sirius’ bed before Remus, surprising the both of them, takes the lead and ends up on top of Sirius. They kiss in between taking each other’s shirts off, and Remus finally gets the chance to run his fingers through Sirius’ hair. He pulls on it ever so slightly and Sirius whimpers into his mouth as reward. Extraordinary is an understatement.

The more carried away they get, the more agitated Remus becomes. That pesky voice in the back of his head is pushing its way forward to speak, and Remus isn’t quick enough to stop it. “You know,” he says, in between kisses, “We can just keep this casual.”

At that, Sirius freezes. “...Casual.”

“Right, I just mean...it’s fine, if you want to...play the field and…see other people too.”

“Right, thanks, but I only want you.”

Disturbed in a way he can’t yet verbalize, Remus gets up and starts pacing. Sirius, once again, has found himself confusedly, but patiently, staring at Remus. In the twisted logic patterns of Remus’ brain, something is fundamentally not right about the situation - he just can’t figure out what it is. The lonely child who dreamt and waited for years lashes out within him, and he can’t parse out the truth from the trauma.

It’s just a phase for him, he deduces. That’s why he wants you.

“Sorry,” Remus starts, about to deliver the terrible news. “I understand it would be ‘cool’ to start shagging a werewolf, but I’m not going to be some sort of...weird rebellion against your upbringing.”

“Moony,” Sirius says, and Remus can’t pretend like he doesn’t see the hurt in his eyes. “That’s not what this is at all.”

He’s overcome with emotion now, and he’d rather try his luck with the Giant Squid than cry in front of Sirius, so he moves and speaks fast. “Sorry, I just have to...just have to figure some things out-”

“Rem, wait,” Sirius calls out, and Remus stops. “Please don’t go. Please stay...and talk to me.”

There’s no way, he thinks. There’s no way that after years of loneliness and self-loathing that he’ll actually be able to get what he wants, so something will go wrong if it hasn’t already, so he has to get as far away from Sirius as he possibly can, and he almost turns and runs...but there’s something new that’s rising within him. It might even be hope.

Against his better judgment, he goes and sits back down next to Sirius, who from the stress and drama of the scene is now sat up ramrod straight on the edge of his bed. Remus takes a deep breath, tells his brain to be quiet, and jumps.

“If we’re going to do this, you can’t just. You can’t…I’ve wanted you for an absurdly, ridiculously long time, and you have my entire sodding heart in the palm of your hand, and you could do whatever the hell you please with it, so you can’t just...Just don’t…”

One of his worst fears comes true as a tear collects and comes down his cheek. Before he can catch it, Sirius does.

“Moony,” he near whispers, wiping the tear away. “I won’t. But you have to trust me, and you have let me into these conversations you have with yourself in your head.”

“Alright,” Remus nods. “Alright, I’ll try.”

Gingerly, Sirius kisses Remus again and they pick back up where they left off. What was more frantic and frenzied before is much slower now. They share languid kisses and roll around the bed in the same lazy way. Remus is nestled into Sirius’ chest and listening to his heartbeat when he remembers something.

“What was the photo you were looking at?”

“What?”

“When I came in...I saw a photo under your pillow...actually, you don’t have to show it to me if you don’t want to,” Remus rambles, realizing how invasive the question actually is.

“Well, now that everything has gone my way, I might as well,” Sirius delivers, cheery.

He takes the photo from underneath his pillow and hands it to Remus. “Oh,” is all Remus can say. In the photo, the two of them are sitting next to each other at the tree next to the lake. Lily must be the one who took the photo, Remus thinks. He’s trying to think back to what was happening in the scene, and he vaguely remembers Lily saying something ridiculous to get them to smile. Remus is grinning directly at the camera, but Sirius is looking at Remus with what is obvious, unbridled devotion. “ _Oh_ ,” he repeats, realizing exactly how oblivious he’s been and revisiting James and Lily’s earlier comments with a new understanding.

“It’s alright, pet,” Sirius grins. “You caught up eventually.”

“Why didn’t you ever _say_ anything?”

“Remus, you quite literally offered to help me pull a bird _today_. I hadn’t the faintest clue you were even remotely interested up until an _hour_ ago.”

“That’s...a good point, I suppose.”

He’s embarrassed at the revelation and now hyper-aware of how much he’s been holding back from even his closest friends. Whatever was developing between the two of them would surely be further complicated by a whole host of things.

“Dating a monster won’t always be fun,” Remus blurts, delivering it matter-of-fact as a protective mechanism.

“You’re not a monster,” Sirius responds, in the same plain, factual way. “You…are a fantastic beast.”

“Smooth,” Remus delivers, with an eye roll. “But the wolf is…not fantastic. Quite the opposite, in fact.”

Truthfully, Remus’ head was still spinning. It felt like it all dropped from the sky out of nowhere, but nothing had ever felt so _easy_ and _natural_. Sirius starts, feather-soft, tracing a circle around the scar on Remus’ stomach. Even though he’d imagined Sirius touching him a million times, none of his fantasies could ever compare to the real thing. Now that they were alone in Sirius’ dimly-lit bedroom, Remus could see the boisterous star Quidditch player transform into something much quieter, and much gentler. Remus turns to end up flat on his back, and Sirius takes the opportunity to turn to the side, head propped up by his left arm. With his right hand, Sirius takes Remus’, intertwines their fingers, and sets them back down on his stomach. Overwhelmed, Remus thinks to himself. He decides that’s the right word to describe his current state, in response to the intimacy of the moment and the affection that glimmers through Sirius’ eyes.

“I think...You probably want to, but...you can’t hate the wolf forever. He didn’t ask to be a part of you but he is.”

Remus would tell anyone else to sod off and mind their business. With anyone else, he’d feel a resentful defensiveness towards the comment, and assert his right to hate the werewolf as much as he damn well pleased, thank you very much. But with Sirius…a lot of things were different. There was one time in particular Remus will never forget, where the two of them stayed up practically all night, exchanging horror stories from their childhoods and immersing each other in their respective traumas. Remus knew something had changed between them after that, and up until now he thought it was just the friendship that had grown stronger. Looking back, it might have been the beginning of love.

“I don’t know how _not_ to hate him. He wears me out, he makes me miss events, he makes me drink that awful potion just to heal my body after he’s mangled it. He _is_ a monster. He’s a _fucking_ monster.”

Sirius takes a hand off Remus’ stomach and places it on his cheek. “I know it’s painful.”

“And dangerous,” Remus adds. “He makes me a danger to other people. People I _care_ about.” Sirius takes his hand off Remus’ face to run his fingers through his hair, and the sensation somehow simultaneously thrills and calms him. When Sirius speaks again, it’s a near whisper. “Can I tell you something?”

“Anything,” Remus responds.

Sirius takes his hand back and sighs deeply. The words clearly weigh heavily on his chest, and Remus waits patiently for him to begin to unload them.

“My great-grandfather was a genocidal lunatic. Back then, Death Eaters were allowed to be much more openly murderous of muggles and muggle-born wizards before the ministry came down on them, and he’s responsible for the deaths of a lot of innocent people.”

Sirius must see the distressed confusion clear across Remus’ face, and quickly goes to explain the change in subject. “What I’m trying to say is…some people’s monsters aren’t as literal as your wolf, but they’ve done more damage than he ever has, or will. Plus, he’s an excellent running partner, so...try to give my furry friend a break once in a while, yeah?”

The empathy of that perspective is what Remus has desperately needed, but he responds with reluctance all the same. “No promises.”

They start to kiss again, still going slowly, and Remus knows Sirius is holding back for his benefit. He takes the first step forward. “I want us to do more than just kiss.”

“That sounds fucking _ace_ ,” Sirius half-grins, half-leers. “But you don’t have to do anything if you’re not ready.”

“I am,” Remus responds, truthfully. “I just…don’t have any experience.”

“That’s alright,” Sirius smirks, with undeniable mischief. “I’ll go first,” he says, before kissing Remus on the mouth, then spending extra time around his scar as he kisses his way down Remus’ body.


	2. like I am free again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's no pressure," Sirius had assured, looking at Remus' reflection in the mirror. He added a drop of product to his otherwise effortlessly styled hair, tousled it, then twisted around to face him. "I only want you to go if you want to go."
> 
> "I do want to go," Remus replied, and at the time he was telling the truth. "It's only that…I'm not as fun as James is at these kinds of-"
> 
> "Incorrect and untrue," Sirius had interrupted, applying eyeliner and casually infuriating Remus once again with how good it always seemed to look on him. "Try again, darling."
> 
> "It is true," he’d argued. "I'm not as outgoing-"
> 
> "I'll have loads of fun as long as you're there."
> 
> He dropped the pencil, turned around and took Remus' face into his hands. "We don’t have to go if you'll be uncomfortable, but what I would very much like to do is take you to this dinner party, snog you in the garden and then bring you back home to shag you," he finished, with a kiss. "Tenderly and passionately, of course."
> 
> Alternatively, Remus and Sirius leave Hogwarts and start figuring things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A scene that will be etched into my brain forever is the one from OOTP where Harry tells Sirius he’s scared that he’s becoming evil and Sirius puts his hand on Harry’s shoulder and firmly tells him he’s NOT a bad person, that he’s actually a very GOOD person, and I thought to myself, self, wouldn’t it be great to see that soft, loving encouraging energy exhibited….towards Remus? So the recurring theme of this fic at its core is Remus gets upset and Sirius is There For Him™️. Tbh I felt like the transphobe put Remus through a lot of sad and lonely years and something about that just didn’t sit right with me. So anyway. Allons-y, lol.
> 
> THESE characters belong to US, tell the transphobe she can kiss and sue my ass 
> 
> by the way I’m sure we all know this but it’s crazy that Remus is literally gay and Sirius is literally trans but she’s too conceptually limited and hateful to understand the characters she even wrote but anyway I digress

The most angering thing about Sirius, Remus thinks, after finding a tucked-away and seldom used nook away from the rest of the guests, is not his temper. Sirius’ hot-headedness has gotten them in and out of trouble so many times that Remus has developed a strange appreciation for it. It’s not his tendency toward taking the piss or his irreverence towards even the best authority figures that aggravates Remus so. It’s something else. 

He cranes his neck out of the cozy, half-open and sparsely populated room he’s currently in ever so slightly to take a peek at the party going on around him. Like always, Sirius finds his eyes within moments.

That’s what it is, he realizes, as Sirius winks at him. The most mad-making thing about Sirius is his ability to sense where, how, why and what Remus is feeling at any given moment from anywhere in the room, no matter how many people there are. Almost as if part of his Animagus abilities carry over into the human him, Sirius seems to be able to sniff out whatever tension or fear Remus might be carrying, and proverbially lick his face to cheer him up, whenever it’s needed. During this iteration, Sirius undoubtedly picks up on Remus’ need for a bit of quiet introversion and gives his attention back to the enraptured group of people he’s enchanting.

Remus steps out of the nook, leans against the doorway, and brings the wine glass to his lips. As he sips, he reminisces on how he ended up here in the first place.

"There's no pressure," Sirius had assured, looking at Remus' reflection in the mirror. He added a drop of product to his otherwise effortlessly styled hair, tousled it, then twisted around to face him. "I only want you to go if you want to go."

"I _do_ want to go," Remus replied, and at the time he was telling the truth. "It's only that…I'm not as fun as James is at these kinds of-"

"Incorrect and untrue," Sirius had interrupted, applying eyeliner and casually infuriating Remus once again with how good it always seemed to look on him. "Try again, darling."

"It _is_ true," he’d argued. "I'm not as outgoing-"

"I'll have loads of fun as long as you're there."

He dropped the pencil, turned around and took Remus' face into his hands. "We don’t have to go if you'll be uncomfortable, but what _I_ would very much like to do is take you to this dinner party, snog you in the garden and then bring you back home to shag you," he finished, with a kiss. "Tenderly and passionately, of course."

Bugger all, he’d thought. Sirius was looking at him like love is all that matters, like love is the only thing that will ever matter, and despite all his reliable common sense…Remus had been agreeing with the notion lately. Maddening. Truly, deeply maddening.

Sirius was in the throes of a story in which an otherwise normal and pleasant quidditch match between friends resulted in Kingsley Shacklebolt’s premature balding. It truly was a testament to the charm of James and Sirius that those three were still friends at all. In the year or so since they’d left Hogwarts, Remus has watched his classmates, best friends and boyfriend begin careers from an uncomfortably close first row seat, but still. He's pleased they've all found themselves at the Ministry, enjoying spending their time chasing dark wizards and amateurs. 

He glances across the flat and wonders how many people he's spoken to. Earlier, he’d spent some time pretending he had to use the loo and found himself engrossed in quite the conversation with one of the hostess’ family members. It was her grandmother in a painting, but still, Lupin thinks. It counts. She'd had excellent taste in books and theirs was a rich, fruitful conversation. He tried not to look too embarrassed and terrified when she shooed him away and told him to enjoy the “young person’s party”. For a brief, strange moment, he’s envious of Lily’s stomach sickness and wishes he had a viable excuse to get out of what is, to be fair, a very nice dinner party. 

The only thing you have to do, Remus tells himself, as he heads back to the main group, is gently change the subject when the conversation begins to steer towards the subject of the Non-Wizard Magical Being Legislation (known more commonly amongst his group as the Werewolf Act, because NWMBL is quite the mouthful, even as an acronym). No matter what, Remus says, no matter what, he repeats, we are not to engage with the subject of the hotly-debated, deeply controversial, absolutely life-changing Non-Wizard Magical Being legislation. 

As he looks around again, Lupin becomes impressed by whatever charms have been applied to the twinkling lights above them – they seem to glow more yellow or orange depending on the liveliness of the guests, and the rooms themselves take on a character of their own as the buzz and activity dissipates into the space. Remus used to think light that wasn’t bright enough to read under was pointless and irritating until Sirius showed him the charm and romance of light so soft you could only see the face in front of you. Remus used to think about...a lot of things differently, before Sirius. He supposes his life could be quite neatly divided into Before Sirius and Since Sirius. To whatever galaxy they're in or to whoever's paying attention, he hopes there will be no After Sirius, but the spectre of that possibility dwells in the back of Remus' mind from time to time. A small voice makes a note that After Sirius is an inevitability he will have to prepare for, but Remus is soon too distracted to continue down that twisty, turny, dangerous path. 

Despite the room’s extremely dim lighting, Remus’ attention is drawn, by some silent, natural force, to two gorgeous mahogany bookcases. They’re stacked together in a corner, full of books Remus has and hasn’t read, teeming with opportunity. There’s something...sublimely lush about a space designed for and devoted to books and only books, Remus thinks, and he takes a half-step closer to it before he stops. His lovely boyfriend brought him to a party, he reminds himself, and he should try to put his best foot forward. Onwards and upwards, then. 

He spots Mary McDonald amongst a small group of people and decides to try his luck.

“So good to see you Remus,” she smiles, as he approaches. “What have you been up to?”

He runs through all possible answers in his head and decides to talk about the bookstore. In a sense, he _does_ work there from time to time, even if he doesn’t get paid, and after all it’s no one’s business how much money he does or doesn’t make.

“It must be fun to work at a Muggle bookstore,” someone pipes up, and Remus takes a moment but recognizes the speaker as Dirk Cresswell.

“Yes it is,” Remus says, mustering a grin but becoming uncomfortable at the growing attention. “But surely not as interesting as wrangling dragons for a living,” he deflects, as a small piece of something…unnamed and amorphous breaks off from the inner part of his chest and falls to the pit of his stomach. 

His old classmate takes the bait and starts talking about his career in the dragon trade. All in all the party continues on this harmless, charming way, until the subject Remus had been trying to avoid comes up. He should have known – while Slytherins are not inherently evil, the House itself has a knack for attracting some of the most elitist, prejudiced people Remus had ever had the misfortune of knowing. Remus can see the question come from far away, so at the very least, he’s prepared. 

“What do you think about this non-Wizard Magical Beings law,” Evan Rosier states, pretending as though he’s genuinely asking for viewpoints that differ from his. “Surely you understand, Remus. Of course, I have nothing against…Non-Wizard Magical Beings…but to sign into law that they can achieve status as Wizards…I mean, the notion is preposterous.”

The group noticeably stiffens now that the subject of “politics” has come up. Remus has always marveled at how the term can be so easily used to obfuscate the raw, ugly, heart-bursting truth of his struggles and the spitefulness of those who have a hand in perpetuating them. The way the horrors of the world can be sanitized by language is its own dark magic, he thinks.

In any case, they don't have too much time to be tense, because Sirius materializes to the right of him in a matter of moments. 

“Did someone say preposterous? Do tell, we all know how much I love engaging with ridiculous things,” Sirius chimes in. The group seems surprised at how Sirius seemingly appeared out of nowhere, but on some level, Remus knew he’d only been waiting for the right time.

“Yes, er,” Evan stammers, now unsettled by direct communication with an even purer Pureblood who lacks the characteristic bigotry of the other Purebloods he associates with. “Just that, even though there’s nothing…Well, a wizard is a wizard of course. Non-wizard magical beings surely can’t just…become wizards by law.”

“Perhaps,” Sirius proposes, calm but undeniably steely, “Non-Wizard Magical Beings would not have to get legal status as Wizards if they were given the same opportunities.”

“Even you must admit Sirius, we live in a Wizarding World.”

“Aye,” Sirius nods sagely. “Although…this Wizarding World we’re in certainly seems to have quite a few elves that do quite a bit of work for us. But you’re right of course, my dear Evan. Just because _they_ do all the cooking and cleaning, doesn’t mean they _deserve_ to be seen equally in the eyes of the law. Like you said, that would be ludicrous,” Sirius finishes, with a million-pound grin and a sip of his beer. 

The tension that had been building within the group popped and cracked open with Sirius’ smile. As everyone’s else’s comfort and contentedness grew, Evan visibly shrank within himself, grunted something about being late to another party, and apparated to who-cares where. 

“I actually came over here to get you,” Sirius lies, because at this stage they all know he came over to put one of his fellow Purebloods in his place. “Are you ready to head home, darling?”

“Right, yes,” Remus agrees, still and always ever so slightly unsettled at Sirius’ loud and open affection.

Looking back, that had been the moment the strange feeling began to grow from that seemingly small pit in his stomach, but Remus kept reaffirming to himself that it was only the fact that he’s a much more private person than Sirius is. That’s what must have had him feeling odd as they left the party. Sirius was surely attributing Remus’ quietness to his natural introversion, and the need for him to decompress after being at such a lively social event. Remus silently began to work himself up from the moment they’d apparated, more and more as they’d walked down the alley to their flat.

Sirius stops them both as they reach the door, turning the full force of his dark blue, nearly jet black eyes onto Remus. Eyes that always seemed to see through to the most fragile, broken parts of Remus, no matter how hard he tried to hide them. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, of course,” Remus lies, with a kiss to soften the untruth. “I had a good time,” he continues, with genuine honesty this time.

“Ace,” Sirius grins, as he opens the door and leads them both in.

The niggling, nagging feeling he can’t name or place returns and hums along his spine as they get ready for bed. It’s easy for Remus to pipe in with an observation or comment as Sirius leads the conversation about the party. Remus is more than happy to continue this dynamic until Sirius interrupts the daydream he’d clearly been having, in which Sirius wasn’t the most perceptive, annoying person he’d ever met.

“There’s something you’re not saying,” he accuses. “Did something happen toni-”

“You don’t always have to save me, you know,” Remus finally lets out.

Sirius, who has treated Remus like a damsel in distress on several occasions, has the audacity to look confused. “I know?”

“When it comes to talking about…being a werewolf, or the legislation, you don’t always have to come in like some sort of…bloody knight in shining armor. I can handle things myself.”

I can _take care_ of myself, he wants to say, but he knows Sirius enjoys taking care of him, so he doesn't go there. 

“I know,” Sirius repeats, this time with no trace of a question. “I know.”

“And, and there’s something else,” he starts, not necessarily of his own will and volition, but because the nerve that’s been building up all night starts to bubble up and over, then out into the air. “I think I should…start contributing to the house. Financially.”

“Right,” Sirius nods, lost again. “Where is this coming from?”

“I’m an adult,” Remus states, out of bed and pacing now. “I need to be responsible for the money I spend.”

Sirius takes a breath like he’s about to say something, decides against it, and exhales. He does this twice more before he settles on his response. “I don’t mind taking care of the household expenses.”

“Maybe you don’t mind, but I do.”

“Hmm,” Sirius considers, before he shakes his head. “No.”

“No? What on Earth do you mean, no?”

“I mean, I make good money as an Auror and my uncle Alphard left us plenty of money to spend and we've barely even made a dent in it, so there’s no good reason for things to change.”

“Your uncle left _you_ money.”

“It’s _ours,_ Remus,” Sirius argues, voice raising ever the slightest bit. “I mean that.”

One of the many things Remus hates about himself is when he has these moments of dissonance that split the future and put two, clearly visible paths in front of him. He knows better, and he _knows_ he knows better, so he _should_ follow the path of peace and accept Sirius’ love without resistance. He _knows_ Sirius’ intentions are nothing but pure and genuine, and he knows he shouldn’t bring this back-and-forth out of the realm of discussion and into the realm of an argument, but he can’t tolerate the feeling of being patronized, and whenever Sirius’ generosity and understanding reach a certain point, Remus has to…temper them, somehow. So, he takes the wrong step on the worst path. 

“I know I don’t _have_ to work because _you_ have piles of money on top of your burgeoning career, but I don't want to be your...kept man or something, and for it to seem as though I only want you for your money.”

Sirius' face is transformed by shock and horror. “Is that how you see yourself?”

The question hits a part of Remus that’s too tender for him to engage with, so he flips it back. “Is that how you see me?”

“Of _course_ not.”

“Still,” Remus continues on, unable or more likely unwilling to let anything go until he gets the result he wants.

“Alright Remus, I’ll play along,” Sirius starts, with the audacity to start _amusing_ himself with their argument. “Do you only want me for my money?”

“No, don’t be daft.” 

“Yes, that's right, I'm the one being daft.”

“Stop taking the piss.”

“Then stop being _silly_ ,” Sirius emphasizes. “I would never think that about you.”

It is yet another thing Remus should know, it’s something he _does_ know, but he doesn’t always win the arguments he has with himself about why attractive, popular, brilliant Sirius would choose him, not just once but every day.

The momentary amusement is now gone without a trace, and a confused hurt now exists in Sirius’ eyes. “Do I...Do I treat you like you don't contribute anything to my life?”

“No, not at all,” Remus rushes, but the last bit is painful so he takes his time to say it. “…But…I don't.”

“That is _complete_ bollocks.”

“I mean I don’t contribute money-”

“ _Money_ is not the only thing that matters-”

“It doesn’t matter to _you_ because you HAVE a lot of it.”

“Moony,” Sirius starts, suddenly, suspiciously calm. Remus meets his eyes again and feels that familiar, unsettling feeling that comes around when he knows Sirius can see straight through to the heart of him. “I can’t give you what you want if you don’t _tell_ me what you want.”

He lets out a deep, exhausted sigh. “I want you to...I don't know, be...bothered, or upset by the fact that you have to pay for everything.”

“Hmm,” Sirius hums, pretending to consider. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you contribute _plenty_ to my life, even if it doesn't come in the form of money, and-”

Sirius’ mouth has suddenly snapped shut. For fast-talking, quick-witted Sirius to suddenly be quiet, he must be holding something important back. Remus, for some inexplicable reason, just _has_ to push. “And what?”

“Nothing,” Sirius lies, but Remus is spoiling for a fight and he’ll get one, by hook or by crook.

“Finish the sentence, Padfoot.” 

At this stage, Sirius knows he’s not getting out of the conversation without telling the truth, so even though it clearly pains him to do so…he delivers it.

“And...even if you wanted to contribute financially...you can't.” 

Remus nods vigorously, agreeing with himself about his failures as a partner and pathetic excuse for an existence. He lets out a bitter, rueful chuckle. “You pity me.”

“I do NOT, pity you,” Sirius practically barks. “The complete BIGOTS in charge of our government think it's alright to DISCRIMINATE against you and make it impossible for you to start a career like the rest of us are. That's NOT your fault.”

“It still doesn't change the fact-”

“No,” Sirius takes over, well fed up. “And this time I'm speaking directly to that ghastly inner voice of yours that loves to smack you about for no good reason. It's not your fault, Remus. Now stop trying to get me to charge you rent because of a situation you have no control over.” 

His self-loathing cowers under direct attack from Sirius and loosens the chokehold for the time being. “Fine, alright. Fine.”

“Now for the love of all that’s good and decent in this world, can you _please_ come back to bed and give us a proper cuddle?”

He slides back into their bed and gets under the covers. There is a miserable, angry beast of self-hatred within Remus that exists with or without the full moon, but even its power is not limitless. Remus rests his head on Sirius’ chest as one of Sirius’ strong, wiry arms comes around to hold him, and the beast’s breaths slow down. Sirius brings a hand up and moves his fingers through Remus’ hair, and the beast starts to snooze.

“Now, be a dear and inform that awful, horrible voice in your head that you,” he punctuates, with a kiss, “are the love of my life, and it’s never going to win.”

_This_ is the worst thing about Sirius, Remus thinks to himself. That he makes Remus feel the terror of having your wildest, deepest, most desperate dreams come true. 

“Also, I know you can take care of yourself, but if I’m anywhere near, I’m _always_ going to try to get you as far away from...Proudly Pureblood wizards and their bigoted rubbish as quickly as possible. I can’t promise you it won’t happen again.” 

And now once more he’s struck in the best, worst way by lovely, steady Sirius, who’d do anything to protect him. Remus, for the millionth time, is overwhelmed by him. 

Even though they’d made progress, Remus still wasn’t as openly and verbally affectionate as Sirius was, but they’d developed an understanding. “Thank you, for...” he trails, to Sirius and whatever force in the universe that sent him. “For...just, thank you.” 

“It’s what I’m here for, pet.” 

Even though his mind has quieted down and left him alone for the most part, he’s still holding tension and anxiety from the evening. He cracks his neck, hard, sighs and closes his eyes. 

“I have an idea,” Sirius speaks up. “Let’s go for a ride.”

“As long as we stay on the ground.”

“You’re no fun,” Sirius says, sticking his tongue out like the bratty child he is. 

They put some sweaters over their pajamas and proper shoes to go outside. Remus climbs on the bike behind Sirius and wraps his arms around his torso. 

It took him a while to grow fond of the motorcycle - the humming and running of the motor did seem to have a calming effect on his nerves, but what he really loved was the feeling of resting his head on Sirius’ broad, steady back. He loved being able to hold on to Sirius as tightly as he wanted, though he felt as though he’d dissolve from the embarrassment if he ever said that out loud. It didn’t matter either way, because Sirius knew. 

They go for a ride around London. Just like Sirius hopes, the ride soothes the tension Remus had been building up from the party, and when they return, he’s noticeably more relaxed. They go back into the house and head back to bed, hand in hand. After they turn the lights out, Remus says his last few words for the day as he’s drifting off. 

“I just feel so...stuck,” he whispers into the darkness. “I feel like I haven’t moved an inch since we left Hogwarts while everyone else has just been...blazing forward, and I’m happy for you, and Lily, and James, and Kingsley, of course. It’s just…”

“Shite,” Sirius finishes. “Pure and utter shite.”

“Essentially,” Remus agrees. “And I have these arguments with myself in my head, as you know, pointless arguments that never get anywhere so I don’t know why I do it.”

“Tell me.” 

“I think about where I want to be, where I _should_ be and I think about how I _could_ have what I want if it weren’t for that blasted wolf, but there’s no point in even going there because I can’t go back in time, and I can’t get rid of him.” 

“He’s not the problem, Remus.” 

“Of _course_ he’s the bloody problem. Cor blimey, you talk about the wolf like he’s something to be... _proud_ of-”

“You survived, Moony. You were violently attacked as a _child_ and you _survived._ After going through something like that, you could have...understandably become bitter, and mean, and cruel, but you didn't. Quite the opposite. That is _absolutely_ something to be proud of, and I am...so, so proud of you.” 

At that, Remus starts to get emotional, and Sirius can pick up on his distress. “Alright,” he says, caressing Remus’ face with his hand, “We can table this discussion for another time. But the last thing I’ll say about this is that you’re not stuck. You’re being _actively_ held back by our oppressive government. I know it’s hard, but you can’t internalize that.” 

Slightly vindicated and feeling better, Remus nods, then lets himself be kissed and held. 

“This is why I shouldn’t go to parties,” Remus starts, only half meaning it. “I should have just stayed home. Why _did_ I go?” 

“I’m a terrible influence,” Sirius responds, chuckling as he plays with Remus’ hair, and Remus can’t help but join him. “I also quite literally have puppy dog eyes you can’t resist.” 

“You do,” Remus agrees, mumbling sleepily into Sirius’ chest. “Damn you.” 

They fall asleep together in a rosy, blissed-out haze. In the morning, it’s interrupted by the loud thwack of the morning paper being dropped off onto their bed by their slightly rude, poorly trained owl.

“Mm,” Sirius mumbles into Remus’ collarbone. “Anything actually newsworthy?”

Remus barely registers that Sirius said anything because of the overwhelming roaring in his head, because the words he’s reading can’t possibly be true, because that sodding piece of paper that would give him the ability to get a job and vote for Minister and…and get married…couldn’t have possibly, really been signed.

Sirius, at this point, has woken up and noted the look on Remus’ face. “Rem? What happened?”

“The Werewolf Act,” Remus whispers. “It passed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo I would say we're about halfway through...even though it might be a little more that 4 chapters? The last chapters are kind of in a rough outline-ish stage, and I could definitely use a distraction from the current chaos of the US political system, so. Here's hoping I churn them out sooner than later. Love the comments, love the kudos, love the bookmarks, love you all.

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh I don't really know this was super self indulgent I just feel like Remus Deserves a happy gay life full of love actually! anyway I have some more ideas for these two, let's see if I ever get it together enough to get them down, would love any comments you guys have :)


End file.
